A thinking person’s guide to surviving the $8M-per-30-second brainwash.
Welcome back, Cranky readers, to the $1 billion psychological experiment we call the Super Bowl. While the “normies” are bawling over a CGI puppy, we’re here to pull back the curtain on the lazy creative, the manipulative tactics, and the blatant social engineering that defines modern advertising.
Grab a drink and keep your eyes peeled. Brands and their ad agencies are desperate for your attention, but Sunday night, we’re going to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all.
A Word of Caution (Before the Matrix Gets Your Liver)
Before we dive into the game, a necessary disclaimer: This is a humorous commentary on the absurdity of a $1 billion psychological experiment, not a race to the bottom of a bottle. I’m not interested in being held responsible for your alcohol poisoning or any late-night, drunken manifestos sent to your local ad agency.
So pace yourself. Alternate your sips with water and know when to tap out. If you find yourself genuinely believing that a talking hamster is a “profound social statement” or you start unironically vibing with a corporate punk rock lecture, you’ve had too much. Put the drink down, walk away from the screen, and remember: The goal is to laugh at the madness while staying clear-eyed enough to spot it.
Drink responsibly. Stay sharp. Stay cranky.
Let’s play!
The Standard Gimmicks
Take a sip when you see:
The Nostalgia Bait: An ad that uses a 1980s or 90s song to manipulate you into feeling something for a mundane product, like a soft drink or shopping app.
The Celebrity Crutch: A celebrity appears for no logical reason other than the agency couldn’t think of an actual selling idea.
The “Dead Celebrity” Ghoul: An ad uses a dead icon (think Audrey Hepburn, Prince, or Steve Irwin) via deepfake to sell a credit card or streaming service.
The Tech-Bro Flex: Any mention of AI, “The Metaverse,” drones, Bitcoin, or NFTs.
The “QR Code Fail”: A brand spends $8M on a spot only to spend 15 seconds of it showing a giant QR code that no one on a couch is going to scan.
The In-Game Inception: An announcer (like Romo or Nantz) pivots from calling a play to reading a script for a sports drink or a betting app without taking a breath.
The CGI Chimera: A digital animal performs “unnatural acts” — talking, dancing, or wearing clothes. Double-sip if it’s selling you heart-clogging junk food.
The AI Hallucination: An ad uses AI-generated visuals to look “cutting edge,” but it’s obviously just an excuse to fire human graphic designers.
The Social Engineering
Take a gulp when you see:
The Green Day Paradox: Take a gulp if a group of 50-year-old “punks” lectures you about the “establishment” during the pre-show while being literally sponsored by the most powerful corporate machine on the planet.
The Halftime Border-Crosser: If Bad Bunny delivers a performance that feels more like a political rally for the “open-borders” crowd than a concert. Bonus sip if he wears a skirt, twerks on a dude, or delivers a “shout-out” to ICE.
The DEI Diorama: A group of people in an ad that looks less like a real neighborhood and more like a corporate HR brochure. Bonus sip if they are all laughing or dancing in slow motion.
The Emasculation: A man is depicted as a bumbling, weak secondary character who needs a toddler or a “strong, independent” woman to show him the correct way to do something.
The Professional Buffoon: When an ad features a white guy acting like a total klutz, an idiot, or a social outcast while the other races and genders look on.
The Forced Inclusion: A same-sex couple, a mixed-race couple, or a person in a wheelchair shows up for no other reason than to check a box.
The “Body Positivity” Psyop: Obese or fugly models are used to sell fashion or clothing because traditional beauty is a sign of “privilege.”
The Virtue Signal: An ad stops selling a product and starts trying to solve “climate change” or preach morality.
The Second Screen Desperation: An ad tells you to “Follow the conversation” or use a specific hashtag on social media that exactly zero people will actually use.
The Pharma Fear-Monger: A vaccine ad for a new (or not-so-new) virus with a side effect list longer than the actual commercial.
The “I See You” Moments
Finish your drink when you see:
The Half-Time Hex: A Masonic or occult symbol (pyramids, owls, all-seeing eyes) flashed during the Half-Time Show.
Below: Rihanna flashes a Masonic hand symbol in 2023. They’ll tell you it’s a ‘diamond’ for the song, but we know a pyramid when we see one.
The Unicorn, Part 1: The Blonde. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed person as the main character.
The Unicorn, Part 2: The Unapologetic Alpha. A man appears who is actually competent, handsome, and physically fit, and he isn’t the punchline. If he’s fixing a truck without a hint of irony, chug.
The Unicorn, Part 3: Traditional Beauty. A woman appears who hasn’t been “dressed down” or made to look intentionally disheveled to appear relatable. If she looks like an unapologetic, All-American bombshell — think Sydney Sweeney — it’s a glitch in the Matrix.
The Unicorn, Part 4: The Nuclear Family. A mother, a father, and their biological children enjoying a meal together without a snarky “modern” twist.
The Unicorn, Part 5: The Actual Product. An ad that actually tells you what the product is, how much it costs, and why you should buy it.
The Unicorn, Part 6: The Small Miracle. An ad that actually delivers a genuinely funny or clever joke that doesn’t feel like it was written by a committee.
The Apology Tour: A brand (like Bud Light) desperately trying to win back the “normies” it lost by pandering to identity politics.
The Mystery Meat: An ad where you have no idea what is being sold until the final three seconds when a logo flashes before the fade to black.
The “Director’s Cut”: A spot that is clearly a short film made by creatives who would rather be making movies than selling potato chips.
The Nuke Rule
Empty the bottle if you see:
The AI Meltdown: An AI-generated ad that accidentally gives a character seven fingers, an extra set of teeth, or that “uncanny valley” stare that proves the agency was too cheap to hire a human. Bonus glug for typos in text!
The “Social Commentary” Gaslight: If a brand releases a press release or a frantic tweet during the game explaining why their failed, tone-deaf ad was actually a “profound piece of social commentary.” If they have to explain the joke (or the virtue signal), the experiment has failed.
The Total System Collapse: A commercial that manages to check every single “Social Engineering” box in 30 seconds — a bumbling dad, a DEI checklist, a lecture on carbon footprints, and a background track of a 90s grunge song turned into a lullaby. If you see this “Final Boss” of modern advertising, the Matrix has won.
Wake up, Neo
There you have it. Whether you’re drinking top-shelf liquor or tap water, remember that the real “win” tonight isn’t on the scoreboard — it’s in your ability to spot the strings while everyone else is mesmerized by the puppet show.
Thanks for playing along and for being part of a community that still values a little critical thinking (and a lot of healthy skepticism).
In an age where agencies spend millions to convince you that a truck can save the planet or a CGI hamster is heartwarming, the most rebellious thing you can do is laugh at the absurdity.
Enjoy the game, stay sharp, and don’t let the Matrix have you.
Cheers to staying cranky!
P.S. What ad did you like best (or least) from LX? Share in the comments below.
Rob Rhode is a former marketing copywriter and founder of The Cranky Creative, a blog so triggering to the LinkedIn elite that he’s been called “divisive” (and worse). He’ll never be invited to an industry cocktail party, but his blog has been read by millions and his insights have appeared in major books and newspapers. He’s happy to piss off the right people.
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Thank you cranky creative for inspiring real thought and some much needed laughter.
Thank you, friend. That’s what we aim to do here.
Well Rob, it looks as if you hit all the targets though I doubt there will be many unicorn sightings since they are creatures of fantasy and of a bygone era. But your list did have me chuckling and nodding my head in agreement. As fun as it sounds I won’t be playing since I haven’t watched a Super Bowl in a long time, a half-time show since Bono nor an ad since Budweiser ditched the Clydesdales and dalmatians. But I’ll be checking back to read what others have to share and I’m sure Greg Gutfeld or some podcaster I watch will replay one or more ads to either cheer it or make fun of it, which is much more likely given the state of things. I may watch the alternative TPUSA half-time show but other than the Puppy Bowl, I have no real plans. But I hope everyone else enjoys the game, the show, the ads and especially the game. Cheers!
Hi, CynthiaV! Just between you and me, we won’t be watching the Super Bowl, either.
You’re absolutely right — the “unicorns” are mostly a memory at this point, which is why I prefer to keep my distance rather than add to the NFL’s ratings. Since 2020, I’ve worked hard to free myself from “The Matrix,” and I just can’t bring myself to sit through four hours of subtle (and not-so-subtle) programming.
Between the NFL’s embrace of organizations like BLM — whose leadership has been quite open about their Marxist roots — and the decision to include a “Black” national anthem (which, in my view, only serves to promote the very division they claim to fight), the league has become a primary vehicle for social engineering. Whether it’s the constant “Inspire Change” stenciling in the end zones or the blatant emasculation of men in commercials, the “brainwash” is baked into the experience now.
I don’t begrudge anyone for watching; we all need a break from the real world. But I’d rather spend my Sunday with a good book or movie than subject myself to an $8 million-per-30-second lecture.
Enjoy your weekend!