Pass the chips, hold the Kool-Aid. This Super Bowl, The Cranky Creative is serving up some red-pill hors d’oeuvres. Plus: The ultimate Super Bowl ad drinking game!
Super Bowl LVIII is nearly upon us, and this year, I’m helping my fellow Matrix slaves to break free from Super Bowl ad mind control.
Think about it. The very idea that anyone should have a “favorite Super Bowl ad” is as real as a dancing CGI bear hawking hemorrhoid cream.
It’s just more marketing, a carefully crafted illusion — and no one should fall for it.
Fake hype, real money
Every Super Bowl advertiser wants you to see its ad and say, “That was so [funny/cute/clever/creative/insert adjective here]!”
But was it? Was it really?
Or have we all just been programmed to laugh or cry or feel emotion X, Y, or Z by brands and ad agencies whose profits depend on manipulating us into thinking we actually care about their commercials?
And they don’t just want you to believe it. They need you to believe it. At a cost of more than SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS for 30 seconds of airtime, the companies behind these ads cannot afford your indifference. They’ve got to do everything in their power to convince you that their ads are not just worth watching, but must-see TV.
Which they could be, in more capable and caring hands. But sadly, they are not.
And so this year, while the rest of the country drowns its existential dread in cheese dip and dives headfirst into the manufactured tears of a talking puppy ad, we here in the Cranky household will be doing something far more productive: playing a kick-ass drinking game created especially for awakened Cranky readers.
It’s time to take our brains back from the advertising archons and turn Super Bowl Sunday into a feast of critical thinking and anti-brainwashing fun. Because let’s face it, a good guac is always more satisfying than a tear-jerking commercial about a dog overcoming homelessness with the help of a new hair-loss treatment.
Let’s play a Super Bowl drinking game! Introducing The Million-Dollar Mind-Control Chug-a-Lug
Grab your chips and a skeptical side-eye, and get ready for the real game: the one where we expose the manipulative tactics, forced humor, and visual gimmicks — and ultimately, laugh at the sheer absurdity of modern advertising.
Disclaimer! Before I dive any further into our Super Bowl drinking game, a word of caution (because, you know, I’m not going to be held responsible for you getting alcohol poisoning). This game is meant to be a humorous commentary on the absurdity of multi-million dollar ad manipulation, not a race to the bottom of a tequila bottle. Pace yourself, alternate sips with water, and know when to tap out. If you find yourself sobbing uncontrollably at a talking hamster ad or placing an online order for a car with a solar panel on the roof, put the drink down and call a therapist. This game is about fun, not real or imagined existential crises. Let’s laugh at the madness together . . . responsibly.
All right, now for the rules. Here’s when to drink:
Sip for common sightings
Take a sip whenever you see (choose your favorite ideas from the list below):
- A paid celebrity spokesperson
- A classic pop-culture music or movie reference
- A talking baby (bonus sip if it’s creepy AF)
- An ad that includes awkward and unnecessary (but I repeat myself) dancing
- A CGI animal made to perform unnatural acts (talking, dancing, wearing clothes). Gulp if it’s used to sell unhealthy food.
- An ad that uses too-loud sounds, voices, or music to get your attention
- A very diverse group of Zoomers who all appear to be high on ecstacy. Gulp if at least one identifies as nonbinary.
- Techno douchebaggery — an ad for any drone, robot, VR headset, or self-driving car
- An ad for an electric car and/or a reference to manmade climate change
- An ad that promotes Bitcoin, NFTs, or any other trendy digital asset
- An ad for a gambling app
- An ad with a contrived emotional moment. Gulp if the ad uses pain or sorrow (e.g., a Clydesdale’s sprained ankle) as a plot device.
- An ad with a white person who looks, acts, and sounds like an idiot
Gulp for more rare events
Take a gulp whenever you see (again, choose your favorite ideas):
- A short film made by creatives who would rather be making movies than ads
- An ad that you can’t tell what the hell it’s meant to advertise until the very end (and only then because the logo flashes for three seconds before the fade to black)
- A cliffhanger ad that’s meant to tease some bigger payoff in a later ad
- A cliffhanger ad that ends with “Visit [web address] for the rest of the story”
- A floating QR code or some silly exhortation to use AI
- A nonsensical ad slogan, such as “Taste happy” or “Start your impossible”
- A vaccine ad for a scary new (or not-so-new) virus
- A same-sex couple
- A mixed-race couple
- A person of indeterminate gender
- A person in a wheelchair for no apparent reason
- A man being emasculated by a woman, small child, or inanimate object
- A brand that loudly and proudly touts itself as being “FoR eVeRyOnE,” as if other brands are somehow barring nonwhite, gay, and trans people from buying their products
- An ad with ugly or obese models made to promote “body positivity” as a not-so-subtle secondary message
Slam it for shocking moments
Drain the whole damn drink if you see:
- An ad with a blond-haired, blue-eyed person
- Bud Light trying hard to win back lost beer drinkers (market share still down 30 percent!) after last year’s brand-busting partnership with trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney
- An ad that clearly and directly communicates an offer, a unique selling proposition (USP), or absolutely anything resembling a compelling reason to buy
- An ad that actually delivers a genuinely funny or clever joke
- An ad that shows the company logo in a corner of the screen for the duration of the ad
- A Masonic or occult symbol (such as the “All-Seeing Eye” inside a pyramid) during the half-time show
Below: Last year, Rihanna waited until the end of her half-time performance to flip a Masonic hand sign — a rare display of restraint and subtlety for Super Bowl half-time shows.
This Super Bowl, let’s raise a glass to reclaiming our minds
Are you ready for some football?
More importantly, are you ready to break free from the Super Bowl ad Matrix and see the bullshit and bad commercials for what they really are?
If so, then gather up some friends, set out some snacks, and tune in to the Super Bowl ad spectacle. But this year, watch it through a lens of skepticism. Ask yourself: Are you truly free if your emotions are for sale to the highest bidder?
Remember, it’s all just a show. A made-up production meant to shape your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and buying habits. So throw out their pre-programmed script and write your own story filled with critical thinking, conscious choices, and laughter at the absurdity of it all.
(Read that last paragraph again. It applies to a whole lot more than just the Super Bowl and its ads.)
Cheers to our collective awakening!
If you like this blog post, please share it far and wide. Your support helps keep The Cranky Creative going!
Related reading: “LIVE-BLOG: Super Bowl LVII commercials” (2023), “LIVE-BLOG: Super Bowl LVI commercials” (2022)
Main image created using Bing Image Creator.
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I would love a witty commercial that also has an apology from Bud Light, showing some remorse and humility, but I doubt that’s coming. Guarantee they just have a commercial with some flags, some trucks, and ::shock!:: a hot girl! But I doubt even that will come. They care too much about what the extreme left says, even though they don’t even buy their product!
We’ll see, Anonymous. I do know that Bud Light is planning a surprise for the big game. Will they try to rehabilitate their image? My guess is they’ll pull a silly stunt that whiffs of desperation.
Most of us guys, and I don’t even drink, see Bud light as a traitor to American values. I do not think America will forget this!
I thought that after all of the kneeling that went on, football was a thing of the past… Imagine my surprise when I realized that I was wrong… I’ve never cared for watching sports, especially on TV…
There are many reasons to not watch the NFL, and if my apathy toward it hadn’t turned me off to it years ago, then all the kneeling and support for BLM — an admitted Marxist organization (they proudly say it) — certainly would have.
That said, I’ve had fun live-blogging the Super Bowl commercials for the past couple of years, and while I probably won’t do that again this year, I do intend to play my drinking game.
Cheers!
CC, you really nailed the manipulation. It’s painful to realize that many Americans don’t see or sense it. I love the drinking game especially the slamdunks, though I don’t drink alcohol but I might try it with water. I know, not the same but still. I gave up the SB and the NFL years back what with all the endzones messages, kneeling and assorted nonsense. I’m not into alternate National Anthems nor nonstop images of the Swiftie queen and her latest future song lyric lament. Me? I’d rather read a good book. Cheers!
Well said!☺️📚
Spot on Cynthia!
Thanks, Cynthia. Agree on all points, including the Swift distraction (and her beau, Mr. Pfizer) and the “black national anthem,” which only promotes division.
I never got the big deal over the Super Bowl ads. I myself don’t even watch the game. We’ll have some people over & I mostly talk to the ladies in the other room that don’t watch it. But I agree that this can be applied to SB ads & everyday ads in general. When it comes down to it they’re just trying to sell products. They don’t care about the people that are watching them..💁🏻♀️🏈
Excellent, Maryann. Nice to see that some of my readers are already red-pilled operators who are used to dodging bullets in the Matrix! Thanks for writing.