LIVE-BLOG: Super Bowl LVII commercials

Tune in TONIGHT at 6 p.m. ET as The Cranky Creative live-blogs all of the commercials from Super Bowl LVII!

There’ll be thrills, chills, and no doubt some spills as the Kansas City Chiefs take on the Philadelphia Eagles and national brands set ablaze huge mountains of money to dazzle you with their marketing genius.

Will we be treated to another history-making commercial like Apple’s “1984”? Well, no, I actually think there’s a better chance we’ll see the real Damar Hamlin appear, in the flesh, for the coin toss at center field — and folks, that’s not going to happen even with the latest and greatest deep-fake technology.

We had a ton of fun live-blogging the Super Bowl last year, and I’ve been waiting 12 long months to do it again.

So bookmark this page and stop back at 6 p.m. ET. Together, we’ll ooh, we’ll aah, we’ll laugh, and we’ll palm our faces as we sort the winners from the losers, both on field and off.

The blogging begins after the jump!

*Be sure to refresh this page to see the latest updates.*

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6:00 p.m. (EST)

Welcome! Thank you for joining us. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

Remember to reload this page frequently (at least once a commercial break) to receive updates.

6:05 p.m.

Look, everyone — it’s Damar Hamlin! Dude doesn’t seem to have the tattoo behind his left ear that he used to, but hey, if they tell me that’s Damar Hamlin, then I guess it’s Damar Hamlin.

6:10 p.m.

HOLY SCHNEIKIES: This year’s Super Bowl commercials are the most expensive in history. According to market and consumer data provider Statista, brands and advertisers are paying an average of $7 million for a 30-second ad. (And that’s just for the slot. Talent and production costs are in addition to that.) Last year, the cost of a 30-second Super Bowl ad clocked in at over $6.5 million, while 2020 and 2021 saw bids only as high as $5.6 million.

6:15 p.m.

We’re not yet into the proper Super Bowl commercials. I’m waiting until kickoff and warming up with an influx of Rockstar energy drinks.

6:20 p.m.

Last year’s live blog was fun, but I think this one will be even better. I’m not sure if the commercials will be as good as last year, but I’ve had more time to preview them and my commentary should be more in-depth.

Remember to reload this page frequently (at least once a commercial break) to receive updates!

6:25 p.m.

Drinking game! Take a drink whenever you see a commercial that shamelessly rips off references a classic movie or song from the 1970s, 80s, or 90s. Apparently, many of this year’s Super Bowl brands and advertisers are playing it safe and staying with lighthearted humor to help take our minds off all of the problems in the world, from inflation and C0VID to Ukraine and all those UFOs everyone’s shooting down lately.

6:28 p.m.

It’s the national anthem. Huh, I think I preferred that singer Babyface to this guy.

6:32 p.m.

Coin toss and kickoff soon. Like last year, I’m not going to comment on ads promoting movies or Fox TV shows. Those don’t count!

6:38 p.m.

Chiefs win the coin toss and the Eagles will receive. The game is about to begin!

FIRST HALF

6:51 p.m.

Touchdown, Philadelphia. Boy, they made that look easy.

6:54 p.m.

Dunkin (Doughnuts): Ben Affleck is working the drive-through? At least he looks happier than he did at the Grammy’s last weekend, LOL.

Avocados From Mexico: Can someone please tell me why Avocados From Mexico spends beau coup bucks every year to advertise during the Super Bowl? This year’s outing stars Anna Faris (celebrity, drink!) as Eve (of Adam and Eve) as she opens an avocado, the fruit “with the ability to make everything better.” Apparently, Avocados From Mexico nixed its original plan for this ad to include a QR code that would link to the generative AI tool, ChatGPT, in some over-elaborate scheme to generate tweets and AI responses. I don’t know what that’s all about, but I do think my peeps at Avocados of Mexico need to go outside and gulp some fresh air.

7:01 p.m.

Chiefs respond with six. But please, knock it off with the stupid end-zone celebrations.

E*Trade: Talking GCI babies. Drink!

Draft Kings: It’s Kevin Hart and his celebrity friends! Drink again! My, this ad sure sounds like it’s supposed to be funny and exciting. Why don’t I feel like it’s funny or exciting?

Remy Martin: A female tennis player chastises big, burly football players for 45 seconds while we all wonder what the fuck the ad is for. *wet raspberry sound*

7:09 p.m.

T-Mobile: It’s Bradley Cooper (drink!) and his mom. Lighthearted, fun. No one’s going to remember it, but no harm done.

Rakuten: Alicia Silverstone reprises her role as Cher Horowitz from the 1995 movie Clueless in this ad promoting the company’s online shopping app. It’s cute, even clever. But as much as I enjoy Silverstone and the good vibes of her character Cher, it also feels cheap. Call me cranky, but I’m just so over the tired tactic of using feel-good, pop-culture nostalgia to sell stuff.

Bass Pro Shops: Any hunters or fishermen watching? Here’s a pretty straightforward ad — a safe choice for the target audience.

Pepsi: Ben Stiller does his thing to promote Pepsi Zero. Seriously, folks — if your drinking game involves drinking every time you see a celebrity, stop. You’re going to die of alcohol poisoning.

7:15 p.m.

Temu: I’m surprised by all the new brands I’m seeing this year. I’ve never heard of Temu, but this ad serves as a good introduction on the world’s biggest stage.

Paramount+: Who wants to pay for another streaming service? Paramount hopes you will after watching this celebrity-infused CGI-fest that’s as clever and funny as everything else these days — which is to say it’s not, at all, and you’ll probably feel dumber and sadder for having watched it.

Michelob Ultra: “We’re doing a Super Bowl ad this year. Got any ideas?” “You bet! Oh, hey, I have to leave at five today, so let’s just hire some sports and film celebs to remake scenes from a beloved movie. Is Caddyshack cool?” If Alicia Silverstone (for Rakuten) couldn’t warm my cranky heart, then this won’t, either. Here is one time when I wouldn’t have minded the use of CGI to deep-fake the faces of the original cast. What’s that, you say? Oh, right! Can’t do that — too many white people.

7:24 p.m.

He Gets Us: Wow, Jesus makes an appearance during the Super Bowl? I did not see that coming. Too bad there wasn’t more of a message to those who need Him.

Squarespace: This slow-burn commercial wants to be a mind-tripping Christopher Nolan movie about a celebrity (Adam Driver, drink!) who can’t wrap his head around the idea that Squarespace is a website that lets people make websites. With lackluster special effects (The Matrix Revolutions did this better in 2003) and a hilariously outdated hook — the “mind-bending” technology here is positively quaint compared to the current wave of generative AI programs such as ChatGPT and DALL-E-2 that will literally change our world — this 1:30 spot should have focused on giving us reasons to use Squarespace over the plethora of other free website builders such as Wix, Weebly, and WordPress.

Tillamook: Oh, God. An ad made to look like one of those old-style LP music commercials. I like the idea, but abhor the dopey execution.

7:34 p.m.

Pepsi: Does Steve Martin love Pepsi Zero? Or is he just acting? He’s so good, we’ll never know.

Dexcom: Who says Super Bowl ads don’t have to sell? (Surprisingly, lots of people.) Nick Jonas (of the Jonas Brothers, duh) stars in this ad that works hard to justify its exorbitant cost by presenting clear features and benefits that are sure to get the target audience’s attention.

General Motors: Funny guy Will Ferrel drives a variety of electric GM vehicles through various Netflix shows (“Bridgerton,” “Stranger Things,” “Squid Game”) to announce that the automaker is going electric and Netflix will feature electric vehicles in all of its original shows. Big surprise, right? What I want to know is who will be the next famous historical figure to have his or her race and sexual orientation changed by Netflix to satisfy the company’s diversity quotas.

7:39 p.m.

Chiefs force a fumble and return for seven! Whoooooo! The game is tied at 14.

7:42 p.m.

Uber: Celebrity! Drink! Sean “Diddy” Combs is hired by Uber to write an irresistible jingle. It seems like quite a production, this ad, and I’m not sure it’s worth it. Can I get some real and easily understandable reasons why I should ride with Uber instead of Lyft?

WeatherTech: A staple of Super Bowl advertising, WeatherTech ads are usually solid. But I don’t believe a word they said about not being able to build factories or hire workers in America. I mean, that might well be the case in six months, at the rate we’re going, but this sounds off.

TurboTax: I lambasted TurboTax two years ago for its aggressively stupid “All People Are Tax People” ad for Super Bowl LIV. Two years later, I don’t want to drive to TurboTax headquarters to burn down the building, necessarily, but I do have questions. Namely, where is the software? It sounds to me like TurboTax is changing its business model to become an in-person tax preparer a la H&R Block. Okaayyy, so how does it work? Where do I go? What makes TurboTax in-person tax preparation better and more trustworthy than its more established and experienced competitors? Brands and advertisers, these are the questions you need to answer. The TV-viewing public doesn’t give a flying fork about your company or your fancy commercial. If you can’t, won’t, or don’t sell us on your product in the limited time you have — and here, it’s a generous 45 seconds, most of which you wasted making us watch some nimrod dance — then you fail. You fail hard. Why is this so hard for multi-gajillion-dollar companies and their marketing executives to understand?

7:55 p.m.

Google: This ad for the Google Pixel phone and its Magic Eraser feature takes too long to tell us what product the ad is for. But if the simulated screens are true to life, the feature works great and I’m glad they showed it off.

M&M’s: WTF did I just watch? It looks like the company retiring its woke “spokescandies” was just a marketing stunt after all. “Ma&Ya’s”? You dummies are out of your candy-coated minds.

Downy: At last we get to learn the identity of the pseudo-celebrity who was hidden beneath all that fresh-scented laundry in the teaser ads. Hey, everyone, it’s Danny McBride! Isn’t that great? *checks notes* Who the fuck is Danny McBride?

8:03 p.m.

Jeep: CGI animals! Drink! But what about the cars? I hate this shit.

Hellmann’s: Who wants a Brie Larson and John Hamm sandwich? Nope, me neither. In Hamm’s own words, “That’s weird.”

Pringles: Everyone gets their hand stuck in a can of Pringles at some point. Hey, didn’t Pringles use this same idea last year? Yes, yes they did, except the execution was funnier then.

Heineken 0.0: Paul Rudd as superhero Ant-Man has his Michelob stolen by ants. I actually previewed a much better version of this ad — I hope they show that one, too.

8:10 p.m.

Doritos: Triangles! More like try-hard-angles, am I right? (What I’m saying here is that they’re trying too hard.) This is dumb.

Blue Moon: It looks like a Coors Light commercial. No! It’s Miller Lite. No, it’s Blue Moon! Hey, you guys tricked us. And blew your marketing budget trying to be clever. Fark off!

The Farmer’s Dog: Some of these “new” brands making their Super Bowl ad debut don’t seem to know what they’re doing. Was the dog in this ad about to die? My wife is crying and I’m not happy.

8:17 p.m.

Eagles close out the first half with a field goal and a 10-point lead.

Man, these announcers.

8:20 p.m.

Pizza Hut. An ad for The Big New Yorker. It’s bigger. Cheesier. Just $13.99. See, I like this ad. Show the product. Sell the product. No jerking around. And it works. I want it.

Elf: Am I getting old? I don’t know any of these brands. And their commercials suck. Drink if you’re doing celebrities, I guess. I think I’m going to have to break out the alcohol myself.

8:25 p.m.

It’s Halftime, and that means Rihanna’s up. Remember our drinking game — take a drink every time Rihanna covers one eye, makes the “666” or “devil’s horns” signs with her fingers, or you see an inverted cross or triangle with the Masonic “All-Seeing Eye” inside.

I dunno if it’ll happen, but these halftime shows are often pretty weird.

8:27 p.m.

An ad for CrowdStrike. Not bad. I like the Trojan horse idea and they clearly explain who they are and what they do.

HALFTIME

8:29 p.m.

It’s safe to say that I am not a Rihanna fan. What TF are those dancers wearing? Looks like the haz-mat suits all of those C0VID stormtroopers wore in China.

8:34 p.m.

Why is Rihanna wearing mechanic’s overalls? LOL

Man, you know what she looks like with that big long jacket she put on? I’m not sure I should say it here…

*types* *deletes*

She keeps scratching her crotch. Is this a lead-in to a feminine hygiene ad?

8:45 p.m.

Masonic hand sign. DRINK!

8:46 p.m.

Tubi: You would never in a million years guess this was an ad for Tubi, a live-TV streaming service, if they didn’t put the logo at the end. Which leads me to a point that I cannot emphasize enough:

WAY TOO MANY of these commercials waste so much time doing nothing except blending in with all the others. Would it kill these marketing geniuses to put their product names or logos in a bottom corner of the frame? At least then we could know at a glance which brand is currently wasting its Super Bowl ad budget and screwing its shareholders seven ways from Sunday.

Oh, and I’m also not doing write-ups for prescription medications.

PetSmart: I wonder if they’re regretting tying this ad to Purina dog food given the company just recalled a bunch of product for being toxic to dogs.

SECOND HALF

8:55 p.m.

Doordash: Dumb-dumbs.

FanDuel: Former tight end Rob Gronkowski misses a field goal kick. What? Oh, I see. FanDuel is an online gambling site. If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-EAT-ME.

9:06 p.m.

You know, I’m not seeing a lot of the ads that were available for preview before the game. A shame, because there were some good ones. Is that because I’m watching using the Fox Sports app?

9:13 p.m.

PopCorners: Here’s another ad that relies on nostalgia for a no-longer-running TV series (AMC’s “Breaking Bad”). At one minute in length, it’s overlong and overwrought, but at least Frito-Lay had the good sense to feature the brand name prominently, which is more than a lot of ads do.

Bud Light: If for some reason you’ve been dying to see Miles Teller (he’s the actor who played Goose’s son in Top Gun: Maverick) dancing with his pretty wife to telephone hold music in his living room, then this ad is for you. OK, I’ll admit, the simple idea is kind of sweet, and the actors here convey more humanity than you’ll see in most ads. I’d probably rate this my second least-disliked ad of the night (behind Michelob Light’s Ant-Man, which I did like but I don’t think you’ve seen during the game), in large part because it’s calm and chill and not so obviously try-hard.

9:18 p.m.

Did the announcer just say that defender “laid the wood”? LOL!

9:24 p.m.

KIA: “Binky Dad.” Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to become a thing.

Crown Royal: Wow, is that Dave Grohl? The same Dave Grohl who killed his drummer, Taylor Hawkins, by forcing COVID jabs on everyone in the band? Here, Mr. Vax Mandate thanks Canada for inventing a bunch of items including peanut butter, a paint roller, the battery, and trash bags. The point here is obvious: this skidmark of a “commercial” is everything that’s wrong with advertising today, and everyone involved should be fired immediately.

Planters: It’s a roast of Mr. Peanut! This 30-second ad starts off well enough with a funny quip from the MC (“We’ll make this quick — Mr. Peanut, I know you’ve got some brownies to ruin”) and a cameo from comedian Natasha Leggero, who used to be brutally hilarious in her early career (maybe she still is, I don’t know). After that, I didn’t recognize anyone and the only funny line came from Mr. Peanut himself, who, at the end of the roast, says, “That was brutal. I wish Planters would just kill me off again.” I give this ad points for creativity, but it didn’t do much to make me want peanuts.

9:33 p.m.

Capital One: Sorry, Taylor Swift, but you can’t hold a candle to Jennifer Garner.

Oikos: Deion Sanders brags at the family reunion that he is “the strongest Sanders” in the family. It’s a strange setup leading to a string of unfunny gags that culminates in the tagline, “Stronger Makes Everything Better.” Wait, I thought avocados made everything better? Here’s another creative team that thought hiring a high-profile celebrity meant they could go home early.

Ring: This ad shows real-life examples of Ring products helping to protect homes. (I had to smile at the bear trying to get inside the van.) I’m sure the hot-shot ad people behind most of tonight’s ads look down on this as dull and boring, but they’d be wrong. This ad sells the product. It uses humor, yes, but it is disciplined — in stark contrast to the clown show we’ve been watching.

9:39 p.m.

Amazon: I’m watching another mini-movie about a family and its dog. At 45 seconds in, I still haven’t the slightest idea what brand is advertising. Oh, it’s Amazon? The hubris, I tell you. Look, if you want to make movies, go make movies. But get the hell out of the advertising industry. Consumers don’t care.

Workday: What is Workday? I have no clue. The company just spent upwards of 10 million dollars to air a 60-second TV commercial during the Super Bowl and all I got from it were some mildly amusing cameos by aging rock stars. Yes, it does bother me when so-called “professional” workers call themselves rock stars, but so what? I don’t care — certainly not enough to go look up whatever the hell Workplace, uh, Workday is. Surely they would have told me if it was important?

9:40 p.m.

Yeah! Chiefs with a killer punt return. Looks like they could win.

9:49 p.m.

Disney thanks us for 100 years by showing wholesome footage from its catalog. That’s fine. But if you have kids, it’s the next 100 years you need to worry about.

Dodge: RAM trucks are going electric and we get a bunch of jokes about “premature electrification.” What is this, middle school?

9:51 p.m.

The Eagles just scored a TD and it’s one of the announcers who sounds gassed. 😛

9:54 p.m.

Busch: This ad surely wins the award for Biggest Misuse of a Likable Celebrity as it simultaneously beclowns singer Sarah MacLachlan (whose music I love) and the important issue of animal welfare by parodying her tear-jerking ASPCA commercials from 2007. That the big joke here is built on such a tenuous connection (the word “shelter,” derp) makes me embarrassed for the creative team, who wouldn’t know clever or funny if it kicked them in the junk.

Peacock: I don’t know what’s happening here, but it’s funny that Peacock thinks I should care. The ad slogs ahead with dull dialog until we eventually learn that Peacock is promoting a TV show called Poker Face starring Natasha Lyonne, whom I haven’t liked since her schtick wore thin for me during Orange Is the New Black. No, she’s not commenting on Super Bowl ads in real time, and no, this ad doesn’t do a thing to make me want to watch the show.

Booking.com: Melissa McCarthy needs a vacation, and boy, I can relate. Given the brand and the celebrity, this commercial was a lot less cringe than expected. In fact, I dare say this is one of the better ads of the evening.

10:00 p.m.

He Gets Us wants us to love our enemies. Again, I’m not familiar with this advertiser, but they need to work on honing their message.

10:05 p.m.

T-Mobile: Zach Braff and Donald Faison of the TV show “Scrubs” join John Travolta in a Grease-themed musical number about fast and affordable home internet. Hey, if this service is available in my area — allowing me to escape the clutches of Spectrum after all these years — then I too would like T-Mobile to “Tell Me More.”

Skechers: Snoop Dog! Drink! Martha Stewart! Drink! Two pot-smoking celebrities that smoke well together.

10:09 p.m.

What the hell? KC isn’t going to keep pounding for six? Come on, it’s the Super Bowl — I expect you to play like gladiators. Pardon my language, but we have indeed become a nation of pussies.

10:15 p.m.

Well that’s it, Cranky readers. The Chiefs win, but in the end they played not to lose.

Thanks for following along tonight. I hope you enjoyed the game, the ads, and the live-blog. Again, I wish we’d seen more of the ads that I had previewed earlier in the week, but what can you do.

Good night!

See all Cranky ad reviews | Go to blog home page

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What were your favorite ads of Super Bowl LVII? Which ones were worst? Share your thoughts in the comments below.