Gah, marketing. The land of “free” consultations that turn into high-pressure sales pitches, “thought-leader” articles written by glorified SEO jockeys, and infographics so cluttered with logos they look like a toddler’s first art project.
Let me tell you, folks, after a year of trying to escape this soul-sucking industry, I finally landed a new job. Hallelujah! And guess what? Four weeks in, I’m already knee-deep in the marketing BS I swore I’d left behind.
Here is the story: our (truly) smart and enthusiastic trainers signed us up for a free webinar that promised to revolutionize how frontline emergency responders build stronger relationships with the communities they serve. It was sponsored by — surprise! — a major software vendor in the field.
Red flag number one, right?
After opening with a clumsy speech by the marketing director (red flag number two!), we were introduced to the keynote speaker — a navel-gazing academic who serves as “associate professor of communication studies” at a prominent northeastern university.
This professor — let’s call her Dr. Feel-Good — spent an hour spewing fantastical theories and daydream-fueled hogwash that offered virtually no practical use in the real world. It was all sunshine and rainbows, almost completely detached from the actual needs of the people who work in this industry.
Here is the kicker: this self-proclaimed genius’s most important advice directly contradicted one of our agency’s most carefully-considered quality assurance rules. Apparently, Dr. Feel-Good missed the memo about being clear and direct with callers to ensure that emergency responders capture the critical information needed to send help quickly.
Which, if you think about it, is kind of important when people’s lives are on the line.
As I sat in our half-darkened room watching this debacle unfold, it occurred to me that this webinar was designed more for the purpose of promoting the presenter’s reputation and the software vendor’s bottom line than improving emergency communications. And I wasn’t alone.
By the end of the presentation, the room was filled with blank stares. Everyone I talked to agreed: this webinar was a masterclass in marketing sleaze; a few dull, common-sense ideas repackaged as groundbreaking insights, strewn in amongst an avalanche of touchy-feely poppycock. All focused more on generating leads for the software vendor than offering real value for attendees.
This, my friends, is one of the big reasons why I left marketing. This industry thrives on deception, hiding self-serving agendas behind a facade of helpfulness. It is everywhere, and it’s time we called out this BS for what it really is: a cynical ploy by marketers to exploit the good intentions of prospective buyers.
(And all of the big tech companies are fully on board. LinkedIn is lousy with the stuff, and the Google search engine now serves up more paid propaganda and Establishment-approved bullshit than real, objective search results.)
So the next time you get sucked into a “free” webinar promising to help your business, remember this story. Do your research (using a non-Google search engine), question everything, and for the love of integrity and your company’s success, don’t let Dr. Feel-Good and her ilk dictate your customer service strategy.
And if you are a marketer, I advise you to think twice before pulling this kind of content marketing malpractice on your own prospects. Remember, the point of content marketing is to provide something of value — useful tips, strategies, a how-to guide, or a webinar that’s actually worthwhile — in exchange for someone’s contact information. So do it right and do it well — or don’t bother to do it at all.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some actual work to do. Work that doesn’t involve Trojan-horsing an enterprise software solution or spewing feel-good nonsense to gullible marks. Work that actually helps people.
P.S. To any honest marketing folks still reading this, don’t take it personally. There are good eggs in every basket. Just . . . maybe consider a career change if you find yourself pushing snake oil disguised as educational content. There are still some jobs out there that don’t require you to manipulate people for monetary gain — if you care enough to find them.
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* Groans *. Awful. A few times in my life I’ve received some really good free e-books which were marketing lead-ins and I was impressed, because the info in them would have been good enough to pay for. Did you ask some awkward questions at the end? I’m picturing you making mischief.
I actually did mention my “amusement” that the webinar’s content directly contradicted one of our compliance department’s most critical rules, and was surprised when one of my classmates then took up the mantle to deliver a nearly five-minute long tirade on what a waste of time this promotional load of crap was for everyone involved. I chuckled sensibly and vowed to write this blog post as soon as I had the stomach for it.
This sort of ingenuously deceptive marketing advertising is exactly the sort of excrement routinely fed to the American ‘mushroom’ public in commercials that appear on television. Several examples that come to immediate mind include that notoriously nauseating ‘American Advisors Group’ (AAG) commercial in which an elderly (but still charming) Tom Selleck has heart-to-heart chats with people to whom he explains the benefits of reverse-mortgages and another equally annoying one, the Oak Street Physicians (owned by AVS) ad in which a black man (who looks as if he just stepped off a 30s-era minstrel stage) emerges from a van marked AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) and does the ‘footy-foot’ through a medical clinic, wherein all the happy, smiling healthcare providers usually join his soft-shoe dance line as he rhapsodises over the benefits of this health care program.
Anyone who still doubts that ‘free (commercialised) television’ isn’t bottom-feeder, lowest-common-denominator fare, obviously belongs to the three-active-brain-cell segment of American society… which comprises, in my estimation, at least 50% of the American public. Good on ya, CC!
Agreed on all points! Great post, and thanks for the examples. Somehow, I’m fortunate enough to have avoided most of those ads, but more than one reader has emailed me to voice his aggravation at Tom Selleck and his reverse mortgages.
And to any readers who don’t understand the “American ‘mushroom’ public” remark, it’s a term meant to describe the way in which The Powers That Be in government, Hollywood, and other high places control us peons — by keeping us in the dark and feeding us lots of shit.
Thanks again for the great comment.