LIVE-BLOG: Super Bowl LVI commercials

2:38 p.m. (EST):

Just returned home from an alcohol run. I have a feeling we’re going to need it!

5:40 p.m.

Fun fact: This year’s Super Bowl commercials are the most expensive in history. According to an NBC source, brands and advertisers are paying upwards of $6.5 million for a 30-second ad. (And that’s just for the ad time. Talent and production costs are in addition to that.) The last two years, 2020 and 2021, saw bids only as high as $5.6 million.

5:54 p.m.

Drinking game! Take a drink whenever you see a Hollywood actor or other celebrity shilling for a product in exchange for beaucoup bucks. On second thought — scratch that. I don’t want to be held responsible for anyone’s alcohol poisoning.

6:07 p.m.
We’re almost there — the moment we’ve been waiting for. What new ideas do brands and advertisers have in store for us for Super Bowl LVI? Will we see a history-making classic like Apple’s “1984” ad for the Macintosh computer? Or will we be baffled and bewildered by more pseudo high-concept claptrap like the TurboTax “All People Are Tax People” ad from 2020?

We’re about to find out!

(Shit, I keep forgetting the time stamps are supposed to be Eastern Time.)

6:15 p.m.

COVID boosters: OMG. Off to a great start! Especially if you know my thoughts on those. LOL

By the way, I’m not going to comment on ads promoting movies or NBC TV shows. Those don’t count!

6:22 p.m.

I don’t think we’re into the proper Super Bowl commercials yet. I’m waiting until kick-off and warming up with an influx of Mountain Dew.

That said, holy cow, that McDonald’s UHHHH commercial was BAD. I was never a fan of “I’m Loving It,” but jeez, it beats the hell out of this monosyllabic dreck.

FIRST HALF

6:40 p.m.

Toyota: A young boy and his brother riding bikes and training as they grow up. Is this for the Olympics? Oh, one of them lost his eyesight. And the ad is for Toyota. “Start Your Impossible?” What? I did not see that coming.

SquareSpace: This alliteration-filled ad entertains as it tells the story of Sally, a seashell-selling entrepreneur whose business needs a boost. Here is proof that a commercial can be artful without neglecting the job of selling.

???: Dolly Parton for 5G phones. What brand? I saw a pink color, which I think means T-Mobile? “To be continued…” Oh, come on!

6:45 p.m.

Rakuten: A casino game. Random things. Dialog. Rakuten? I’m sorry, I’m a man. WTF is a Rakuten?

E*Trade: Everyone loves talking babies! Except after you’ve seen a million of them, which all of us have. If you’re playing a drinking game with talking babies, drink up!

Expedia: Ewan MacGregor delivers an OK message that’s on-brand and non-annoying but not flashy enough to stand out.

6:55 p.m.

Man, that was a great TD catch by Beckham.

Bud Light: A parade of multicultural millennials are shown doing everything on Earth except drinking Bud Light Next, or Zero, or whatever this product is called. Hey, give me a break, they only showed the can and logo for like two seconds!

BMW: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Salma Hayek are retired gods living out their golden years driving an electric BMW. I don’t know, isn’t this type of asshattery the domain of less distinguished brands, like Kia? I think this ad beclowns a brand like BMW.

6:59 p.m.

Polestar electric car: No punchlines. No greenwashing. No nonsense. No compromise. No logo, either? I’ve never heard of Polestar cars. But now that they’ve told me what they aren’t, I’m still left wondering who and what they are.

Avocados from Mexico: Tailgating Romans share boring banter as viewers’ eyes glaze over and we lose interest in whatever the fuck this ad is supposed to advertise. Not content with pushing an overwrought premise, this extravagant exercise in absurdity tosses in a completely unnecessary celebrity guest appearance with Andy Richter as Caesar. Drink!

7:06 p.m.

Carvana: A woman — is she a celebrity? — tells everyone she knows about Carvana. In doing so, she does communicate a bunch of reasons to buy.

Hologic: I haven’t a clue what this was about, yet the slogan tells me Hologic is all about “The science of sure.” Uh, sure! LOL

Coinbase: A floating QR code! Hey, I dig the music and colors. Very ambient. Is this bitcoin-related? My wife tried to scan the QR code and it didn’t work. Shit, did we miss out on free money?

7:10 p.m.

Darn it, I was really hoping Cincinnati would get seven on that drive. I can’t help rooting for the underdog. Unless Tom Brady is playing. When you are the greatest, you deserve to win!

7:15 p.m.

Doritos Flamin’ Hot Cheetos: Computer-generated jungle animals (drink!) snarf up dropped Doritos chips, kicking off a beatbox rhythm that blossoms into a classic Salt-n-Pepa hit. It looks and sounds a lot dumber than this description reads. I am officially cringing now.

Meta Quest 2 VR: A poor, out-out-of-work doggie puppet finds new life in a space center, I think. I missed the connection between that and the subsequent bunch of goofballs wearing VR headsets. Uhhh. Yeah, this is pretty much what you’d expect from Meta and anything associated with Mark Fuckerberg.

7:21 p.m.

The team I have chosen to back is losing. This is why I don’t watch football.

7:26 p.m.

Michelob Ultra: A star-studded cast, including the obnoxiously overexposed Peyton Manning, comes together for this Big Lebowski ripoff that goes nowhere. “It’s only worth it if you enjoy it,” says the slogan. I’ve seen more compelling messages in fortune cookies. Oh well, at least I liked the music.

Chevy Silverado: A woman, probably another celebrity I don’t recognize, drives through all kinds of shitty-looking neighborhoods (it’s Detroit, duh) to some obscure music before giving us the slightest hint about what this ad is meant to advertise. And look! It’s another electric vehicle. Wow, this exciting new technology is becoming boring really fast.

7:32 p.m.

Bengals score! Good, I was afraid we were headed for a blowout.

7:35 p.m.

Rocket Homes: Anna Kendrick and Barbie promote Rocket mortgages. Cute, I guess. Celebrity, drink!

WeatherTech: A staple of Super Bowl advertising, WeatherTech uses the drama of paratroopers to promote its vehicle-protection products. They showed the logo a good deal, so at least I know what they’re selling.

7:40 p.m.

T-Mobile: Miley Cyrus (what the hell is a Miley Cyrus?) joins Dolly Parton to help save 5G phones. Next, they should try and help save the jobs of the retarded creatives who came up with this ad.

Uber Eats: A bunch of dumbasses try eating non-edible objects. Why? The reason wasn’t on screen long enough for me to know.

Caesars Sportsbook: More celebs! Including Peyton Manning and his little brother! What the fuck is Caesars Sportsbook?

Gillette: A dude with unruly hair shaves his face for the first time. Well, not really. Whoa, check out the warping CGI effects on the environment! Snore.

7:47 p.m.

Bengals pick it! And promptly screw it up with a totally unnecessary taunting penalty.

TurboTax: Haven’t I seen this commercial before? People are wearing masks (no, not that kind of mask). Some of them are celebrities, so drink! I really don’t know what to make of all that’s going on here.

Wallbox: “The safe and affordable way to charge your car.” A complete USP delivered in 15 seconds. Nice!

Turkish Airlines: The inimitable Morgan Freeman narrates this ad for Turkish Airlines. Can’t go too far wrong with that.

Michelob Ultra organic seltzer: We’re in another bowling alley. Or maybe it’s the same one as the other ad. What brand was that one for again?

Pizza Hut: I’ve definitely seen this ad before today. It’s fine, I guess. Wouldn’t make me want Pizza Hut pizza if I didn’t already like it.

7:55 p.m.

Salesforce: Matthew McConaughey says it’s time to make our own space, blaze our own trail. “It’s right here!” he implores. Is this ad for a new truck? What? Salesforce? This commercial immediately catapults into the running for the night’s worst.

FTX: Larry David for bitcoin. I don’t know shit about bitcoin, but I do kind of like the juxtaposition of situations throughout history in which people doubted that successful inventions would really take off.

Prime Video: Amazon is getting Thursday night football? Not sure I like.

8:01 p.m.

H&R Block: I’m getting tired of all these ads that fool around for 28 seconds before revealing what the hell they’re advertising. I know today’s copywriters are pressured to “tell stories,” but honestly, I’m not sure that anyone gives a damn.

Ring alarm: Shaquille O’Neal pimps himself out to about the 36th brand of his career, joining Epson printers, The General car insurance, and many, many others. Does this guy’s presence mean anything to anyone anymore?

Oikos Pro yogurt: A retired football player promotes protein yogurt. Not as good, or as memorable, as the Campbell’s Soup ads from years ago that also featured a football player and his mom.

HALFTIME

8:06 p.m.

Toyota: More celebrities, including Tommy Lee Jones, drive Toyotas and laugh at all of their names being Jones. Until the Jonas brothers arrive. Clever! /sarcasm

8:09 p.m.

NFL: CGI football players destroy a house and kick a football into a grandma’s mouth. Look, it’s a CGI Peyton! (Someone needs to retire this guy for good.) And Walter Payton. Forty-five seconds into this commercial, I’ll be damned if I know what is going on. Hey, it’s not my fault. Who would have thought the NFL would have to advertise for itself during the G.D. Super Bowl?

8:24 p.m.

Well, that was a halftime show, I guess. Must be time I switched over to beer. (Surly Furious, of course.) Sorry, but I enjoyed Prince and Tom Petty much more.

8:26 p.m.

Crypto.com: Lebron James and CGI Other Guy bore us to death talking about bitcoin. Or crypto. Or whatever. Shit, Robert, you were right — there’s lots of crypto stuff tonight.

Verizon 5G internet: An also-CGI-looking (but not, but also world-weary) Jim Carrey reprises his role as Cable Guy. Poor old Jim even yells at us, “CAAABLE GUYYY!!” at the end just to make sure we get the reference.

Sleep Number: I don’t watch a ton of sports, so I don’t know the name of the celebrity sports icon in this ad. Nor do I really care.

Infiniti: An uninspired car ad featuring Erin Andrews. Yawn.

Capital One: Not a great ad, but it’s narrated by Jennifer Garner so it’s automatically good! Yes, it’s a scientific fact, Jennifer Garner makes any ad better.

SECOND HALF

8:33 p.m.

Bengals score on a 75-yard strike! Yeeahhhh! They now lead 17 – 13.

8:36 p.m.

Bengals with the pick! AHHAHAHAHAAHA

8:41 p.m.

Bengals are driving and this Surly beer is delicious.

8:45 p.m.

Google Pixel 6: A special camera to take photos of people with darker skin. I didn’t like the singing, but the ad made its point. Good job.

Cue Health COVID-19 test: Please, stop the COVID money train now.

Planet Fitness: Lindsay Lohan has gotten her act together at last . . . thanks to Planet Fitness? It’s good to see a celebrity able to laugh at herself, and even better to see Lindsay on track. (If it’s true.)

8:50 p.m.

Bengals defense looking like Keystone Cops. Tackle someone!

8:55 p.m.

Lays: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen reminisce about days gone by while munching on Lays potato chips. Not hilarious, and it outstays its welcome, but at least this ad stars the product and keeps it front and center.

9:02 p.m.

Pringles: This commercial makes fun of the idea of what would happen if you got your hand stuck in a can of Pringles and had to live out the rest of your life that way. Simple, fun, effective.

Bud Light Seltzer Hard Soda: Food Network star Guy Fieri is the mayor of Flavor Town, a loud, garish land that doesn’t look too far off from our own onrushing dystopian future. And yet, at the end of this ad’s full minute runtime, I still have no idea WHAT flavors the drink is available in. Flavor Town? More like Idiocracy.

Kia: More electric cars! And an adorable little robo dog! Yet, we are left wondering for far too long what brand is being advertised. Hey creatives, maybe next year you could consider putting the fucking logo in a corner of the frame so your clients stand half a chance of getting their money’s worth?

9:06 p.m.

General Motors: Have you ever seen an old person try and dance to techno music? That’s the feeling I get watching this ad for GM which relies entirely on nostalgia for the Austin Powers movies of the late 1990s and early 2000s to deliver its message of climate change and electric cars. At one minute in length, this commercial overstays its welcome by at least half that, padding itself out with unfunny callbacks to famous lines from the much funnier movies. So far, this is my pick for the worst ad of the night.

Etoro: Look, everyone! Another abstract ad for crypto stocks!

T-Mobile home Internet: The Scrubs cast is back promoting T-Mobile home Internet. Yeah, the actors are looking old. But the singing was fun, the lyrics delivered relevant info, and really, who can hate on Scrubs?

9:14 p.m.

Underarmor: “Everyone should have the right to experience the gift of the game.” A fine message, but it doesn’t do much to sell the thing. I’m not really a fan of spending so much money to deliver a social justice message and tacking a company’s logo on at the end.

GMC: This cookie-cutter truck commercial was over before anybody even realized they missed it.

9:18 p.m.

I have to say, this year’s Super Bowl commercials are not as atrocious as I’ve seen in some years. Thank God!

9:23 p.m.

Amazon Alexa: In this 60-second spot, Amazon’s Alexa reads the thoughts of Scarlett Johansson and husband Colin Jost. Beyond the horrible acting, this ad is kind of cheeky considering Amazon was recently sued by tens of thousands of Alexa customers for improperly collecting voice recordings.

Intuit Quickbooks: I’m not going to remember anything about this commercial except for the ear-scraping music.

Booking.com: The likable actor Idris Elba tells us what Booking.com does while poking fun at the company’s not-so-lit name. Not bad.

9:30 p.m.

Cutwater Spirits: Products shown, but not really shown because they appear too fleetingly. How is this brand supposed to stand out among the myriad other seltzer drinks and low-calorie beers advertised tonight? Why are these creatives so reluctant to show the product? YOU’RE SPENDING $6.5 MILLION FOR 30 SECONDS OF AIR TIME, YOU MORONS.

Vroom: This ad uses a musical to sell Vroom, a way to sell your car online. Nah, I’m good.

Irish Spring: A stinky man is lowered into a bath while a crowd and CGI rabbit scream “CAST THY SMELL AWAY!” When the man emerges, he’s wearing a clean, white turtleneck and the voiceover tells us to “Smell from a Nice-Smelling Place.” Oh, Mike Judge. How did you know?

9:37 p.m.

Nissan: Comedy legend Eugene Levy takes the keys from the insufferable Brie Larson to help save this spot for Nissan automobiles. I chuckled a bit at the appearance of Levy’s Schitt’s Creek co-star Catherine O’Hara, but then the ad lurched too far into absurdity. Are Nissans somehow better than other vehicles? I have no idea.

Taco Bell: Despondent members of a down-and-out clown convention break out and drive to Taco Bell, backed by a cover of Hole’s “Celebrity Skin” performed by someone named . . . Doja Cat, I guess? The full version of this one is a minute long and I had no fucking clue what was being advertised until long after I’d already lost interest.

Hellman’s Mayo: Real-life footballer Jerod Mayo “tackles food waste” by pummeling the shit out of unsuspecting food-wasters, including (in the one-minute version) a grandma. “You could make potato salad!” he admonishes after a hit. The ad finishes strong with Mayo coming back to slam a goofy-looking Pete Davidson who says exactly what I’d been thinking: “I get it, I’m very hittable.” Yes, this ad made me laugh. I enjoyed it. But am I more likely to buy Hellman’s? Not really.

9:47 p.m.

Budweiser: A majestic Clydesdale horse falls and is injured jumping a fence. Wait, do I want to see this? Oh, I see, it’s a contrived heartstring-puller the purpose of which is to deliver some vapid inspirational message. How does this entice me to drink Budweiser?

Sam’s Club: Not even lovable comic Kevin Hart can make this ad memorable.

Greenlight: What’s-his-dad’s name from Modern Family doesn’t explain what it is he’s been paid to promote. Not his fault, of course. Blame the creatives for buckling under the pressure to “be creative” on a national stage.

9:51 p.m.

Bengals doing their best to give this game away with penalties left and right. What an implosion in the red zone. They still lead 20 – 16 with 1:29 remaining. Edit: Not anymore, LOL. Touchdown Rams.

9:59 p.m.

The Rams’ defense pulls off a big stop on 4th and 1. Game over, man!

10:05 p.m.

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Do you have a favorite commercial of Super Bowl LVI? Or a least favorite? Share with us below!